Interview with a Kharakh

Ben Kharakh of Middletown is a graduate of the Communications High School of the Monmouth County Vocational School District. His website, One Trick Pony, offers a collection of humor pieces written by Ben and assorted imaginary collaborators. Ben's list of "Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On" was recently published in the book Created in Darkness By Troubled Americans: The Best of McSweeney's Humor Category. I recently corresponded with Ben via an interpreter using electronic mail; here's what we talked about.


Is it true you look like a mustached Jonathon Taylor Thomas? And if so are you single for our lady readers?
Keith [Whitener - PR flack] is the one with the 'stache. I look more like Rock Hudson than the middle child from Home Improvement. There will be plenty of time for women when I'm dead. Right now, I have to concentrate on saving the world from mediocre comedy.

Thoughts on mustaches?
I prefer the look of fake 'staches and am known to wander around public places with faux whiskers.

Do you have a permanent residence?
I do.

I read an article where you referred to yourself in the third person. Why would you do that?
To spice things up.

Let's play Madlibs:
I was so traumatized by the time I was 30 years old that my only solace was my poop badminton skills and stupid ability to poo. Thus the Mohwak, books, Tevas and toilet.

Are you funny because you really hurt inside?
I build a wall to keep people on the other side, but they keep waiting. And picking.

What is your caffeinated beverage of choice and have you ever stolen from someone you love to get a fix?
Caffeine keeps me up, so I avoid it. I once had a Pepsi at three P.M and couldn't fall asleep until one in the morning.

Describe The Catcher in the Rye in five words:
J.D. Salinger's only good book.

Are you one wild and crazy guy?
I give Dan Ackroyd and Steve Martin a run for their money.

Rt. 35 or Rt. 36 – which is one is da bomb?
Choosing between the two is like choosing between one's own children. I don't want to contribute to global over-population, so I don't have to worry about that.

Most people ride horses or in cars – what's your ride?
I drive a class III Armored Vehicle - a 1990 Cutlass Sierra. Watch out on the road because I will not hesitate to crush you.

Name two people if given the chance you would whisper sweet nothings in their ear and what would you say?
Whispering makes me uneasy and I wouldn't want to infringe on someone's comfort zone, so I wouldn't partake in such an activity.

Hello, Hello Again

Yikes, it's been a long time. I hope there are some people out there still reading the AH Muse. I suppose if worse comes to worst I could manufacture a few controversies to get some attention. It works for some AH republicans...

Congrats to local humorist Ben Kharakh (of Middletown I think) on the publishing of a list he submitted to the McSweeney's website. Ben's list, "Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On," was included in the book Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans: The Best of McSweeney's Humor Category. I've been slacking off on putting together an interview with Ben but hope to share some of our email exchanges soon. For those of you who don't know, McSweeney's is a big deal. At least to me.

The New Jersey Dept. of Transportation will be building a suicide lane bike path along the northbound and southbound sides of Route 36, extending the Henry Hudson Bike Trail from Atlantic Highlands to Sandy Hook. This better not be the completion of the decades-in-the- making Bayshore bike trail. Nuts! The idea of the bike path is for me and my family to be able to enjoy a leisurely ride to the beach, not get run off the road by cars speeding by at 60 mph and throwing cans of Mountain Dew out the window.

As the Bike Trail currently ends around Route 36 and Ave. D, I had to put my legs to work last Friday when I hooked up my daughter's trailer to my mountain bike and climbed the "highland" in Atlantic Highlands to get to the bay beach in Highlands. While the exhilaration of feeling like Lance Armstrong climbing the Pyrenees was fun my legs felt like they were made of chum chutney by the time I got home. If they don't finish the bike path by next summer my little not-so-little girl ain't gettin' any more free rides to the beach.

(PS - Gatorade is bunk - Long Trail Ale will replace any lost electrolytes and get you back on your feet in no time, especially if your BOF (Beer Only Fridge - thank you Mr. Beerman) is about 15 feet away from your lounge chair.

Please Mister Beerman/look and see/oh yeah
If there's a summer wheat beer in your fridge for me
Please, please Mister Beerman
Why's it takin' such a long time/oh yeah
For me to ride that bike trail of mine

Anyway. So apparently there's yet another "scandal" at Borough Hall (gasp gasp!). The Borough appointed a new Chief Financial Officer - Dawn L. Babcock - and, as always, our own Fox and Mulder (registration required) are on the case. This episode leads us down a trail of conspiracies and cover-ups and takes us to the spooky swamplands of Rutherford, NJ. You know weird stuff goes on there near dem Meadowlands - people with green faces, giants, devils, little men in silk. But it gets weirder. The new CFO was employed by Rutherford for only two-and-a-half months. THE HORROR!!

Thus our latest controversy. When the Council came out of an executive session in which the offer to Ms. Babcock was debated the people demanded to know who she was, where she worked, what she would be making, what her favorite pizza topping is and what dirt they could use to further the relentless assault on the dreaded Democratic Donoghue Regime. When Councilwoman Ladiana refused to answer these questions all hell broke loose - though I did hear the Councilwoman said that the new CFO likes pineapple on her pizza, which is weirder still (and unconfirmed). And why didn't our elected official cave into the demands of the angry mob? Because she's a tyrant on a power binge? A mad scientist that likes to tie residents up (preferably midgets) and throw food bits at them? No, she didn't make any announcements or answer questions because the prospective job candidate had not officially accepted the Council's offer. Thus, nothing to talk to about. Ah, but plenty to write about on the Atlantic Highlands Herald Forums, beginning in the wee hours and ending with phone calls to Ms. Babcok's former (then current) employer (which is how her former employer learned that Ms. Babcock would be resigning). Nice work folks! What if Ms. Babcock decided not to accept AH's offer? Now her employer knows she's interviewing. And not because she was working on her resume on company time or saying she was taking a long lunch to go on an interview or two or being just plain sloppy. No, a rabid pack of dogs had to chase down and manufacture a controversy.

Because that's how you get attention. Remind me to never apply for a job at Borough Hall.

Hey folks - buried in today's post is an allusion to an influential scientist who did strange things to midgets. Your neighborhood blogger will purchase you a cold brewski if you can name that scientist.

Hee-haw?........Holy Sh%&!

Have you heard about the black bear popping up all over Monmouth County this week?

The latest sighting happened sometime around 5 a.m. Thursday, when workers at Earle reported seeing the bear on the pier that extends into Sandy Hook Bay, said Nancy Eldridge, a spokeswoman for the military base.

No one is sure how the bear found its way onto the base and out to the pier, which is off limits to the public.

"It's restricted to military personnel, so I guess we could give him a $500 fine for trespassing," Eldridge joked Thursday afternoon. "We do have wildlife on the base, but this is the first time I can remember hearing about a bear on the base."

Well I'm really happy that Ms. Eldridge can keep her sense of humor about all of this but let's get back to the part about no one knowing how the bear got onto the base and how it's like restricted and all. I don't think they're exactly transporting donuts out of Earle. Maybe I'm a bit paranoid but perhaps the security measures at Earle need to be reviewed.

The Beerman done got me drooling again. His column this week reminded me of one of the best poems I've ever read. Who's better than G. Love to get your cocktail hour bumpin' and grindin'? Nobody, that's who.

With all this talk about harbor redevelopment in town one would be smart to get to know its history.

How cute! Bishop Gordon has a crush on the American Idol!

Next year I'll be attending the PBA Ball at the Shore Casino and will do some live blogging. For now you can read all about it here.

Why this car is automatic/It's systematic/It's hydromatic/Why it's the Atlantic Highlands Antique and Classic Car Show. Git yer grease on and look at old cars this Saturday Saturday Saturday.

If there's something you don't want to win it's The Effin Eejit Award.

I find this fascinating, you may not.

And now that it's officially summertime here are some BBQ tips from The Onion:

• Marinate your ribs in bourbon before barbecuing. The best way to do this is by pouring the whiskey down your throat.
• The endangered Cebu cinnamon tree of the Philippines is the best firewood for grilling. Use anything less, and you might as well be cooking your food on top of smoldering raccoon shit.
• When barbecuing veggie burgers, be sure to tie your long hair back. That will keep it away from the flames, you stupid hippie.
• Read the entire list here

So, what did everyone think of the harbor plans? I say more green please!

Stay Tuned

Sorry folks - one of dem weeks. New content for ya bad selves coming up manana.