Miller Time

Hello Friday. Oh how I've missed you.

That George Severini character at the Two River Times is one funny cat. Much funnier than the new publisher Michael Gooch. I've been reading Gooch's editorials over the past few weeks and I think he should just start a blog - who cares about the "news" about his "nice cordovan loafers" getting potentially ruined while walking to the ferry? Or about the "crappy situation" he's in because it's too cold for his puppies to go outside. This is our local news?

Speaking of local news (from the tantalizing pages of the Bayshore Courier's public notices):

Section 2. AGENCY DESIGNATION The local enforcing agency shall be the Atlantic Highlands Fire Department through its Division of Fire Prevention, which is hereby created therein. The Division of Fire Prevention shall herein after be known as the local enforcing agency.

I am ALL FOR THIS DIVISION! Prevent fires! Stop the insanely loud fire alarm!

Here's a poem about Atlantic Highlands and the transformative birth of creativity rejuvenating our town. I liked the part about skinny dipping.

Seriously, can anyone tell me why there's not some sort of (even seasonal) protective covering on the pier we use for the ferry? I've heard local environmentalists are against it and I've heard it can't be done because of the boat slips. I don't need Seastreak or Atlantic Highlands to roll out a red carpet every time I walk down the pier but give me a break - it's #$%&*!^ nasty out there!

The Night's Songwriters Showcase/Winter Benefit Concert is tonight. Tickets are only $10.

Stuff from around the Internets:

• Comic book legend Stan Lee is creating a superhero movie and TV series featuring Ringo Starr. [via The Morning News]
• Beware of Orville Redenbacher Microwave Kettle Corn!
• U2 tickets for the Continental Arena go on sale Monday. I'm special, I got 2 already! Shasta!
• Area teen sets world record for balancing eggs.
• Check out the Snoop Dogg Shizzolator, paste the AH Muse url - www.ahmuse.blogspot.com - into the Shizzolator, light a blunt, crack open a 40 and enjoy.
  

Back in Five

I've not been drinking enough coffee this week thus the lack of my insightful, witty and humorous posts. I plan on brewing up a nice big pot this weekend and will catch up with all the breaking news.

Speaking of coffee, when I first told this to someone this morning they asked me what I was smoking. Seastreak bought 8 boxes of Dunkin Donuts coffee this morning to serve on the 7:00 am boat because the water line froze and they couldn't make coffee. That's, like, what do they call it....customer service? I made sure to thank the whole crew, send a thank-you email and call the office. I've learned from my wife, who's a nursery school teacher, that positive reinforcement always helps when training kids, husbands, dogs and ferry operators.

Yer Yeller

The snow just isn't as much fun when you're running late trying to make one of a handful of ferries to take you to work so you can slog through city slush all to, uh, WORK. Yippee. Ugh. All in all though it wasn't too bad. In fact, after hopping a cab from Wall St. I arrived at work just about the same time I do most days.

Could someone please inform Borough Hall, TGIFriday's Harborside Grill and Harbor management to shovel the freakin' sidewalks. I heard a rumor that if I didn't shovel my sidewalk for a certain period of time after a snow storm I could be held liable if someone slipped and cracked their head open in front of my house. I don't know the legal particulars but I know stretches of sidewalks on First Avenue were still knee deep with snow this morning. Don't you people know I have a hard enough time walking to the boat with one eye partially open on nice days? Jeesh.

Paul Boyd, town historian, published an interesting article in the Asbury Park Press today. Stores in Atlantic Highlands had some of the first kinetoscopes, which were precursors to the vitagraph and projected movies. The article also mentions that silent and talkie movie actor Fritz Leiber lived in town and that William Randolph Hearst used to stay in town frequently when docking his steam schooner. This is reassuring. We now know all the drama and yellow journalism (see rumors item below) we're currently subjected to has been going on for a long long time - it's not just us.
[More to follow on yellow journalism later this week, I'm busy right now trying to find a lock-box to lock up all my swords, nunchucks and Chinese stars lest my three year old gets all Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon on me. Does anyone know someone I can talk to about proper home weaponary storage?]

Will you look all these rumors, surrounding me everyday... (that one goes way back to 1986).
From the Atlantic Highlands Herald forums:

Perhaps Mr. Dean should reconsider publishing rumors like this if he wants his AH Herald to become an official town newspaper.

[You can click here for a larger screen capture if you are unable to read the forum postings above.]

Snow Day

I don't know when the Shore Casino's Winter Glow Ball was but the sign was certainly appropriate today - I've been having a winter ball all weekend. I don't think the official tally matters much, we got dumped on. Here are a few scenes from around town on Sunday.



By early afternoon the local sledding hill had a pretty good crowd despite some nasty wind and cold temperatures.



I'm assuming the harbor will present some problems for the Monday morning commute. Ferry service was cancelled all weekend and as of 4:00 PM on Sunday no decision had been made regarding service on Monday.



The top of East Highland Ave. was beautiful Sunday morning.

The Front Porch Club was forced to move indoors to the living room this weekend but good times were had nonetheless. I think it was sometime around the second body and soul warming scotch that I again realized what an unbelievable town we live in. After a little shoveling, an extra layer of clothes and short walk around the block, winter cheer and a toasty fire were shared among friends.

Cheers Ol' Man Winter!

Freaky Cold Friday

Busy week crunching numbers is now winding down. TGIF. The weekend is upon us and soon snow will be falling on us - four to eight inches is predicted Saturday through Sunday. Two words: WOO-HOO!

Tickets are on sale for a dinner/dance at the Hofbrauhaus to honor and welcome home members of the military from the Bayshore area serving in Iraq. [via Asbury Park Press]

The Atlantic Highlands Elementary School is raising money for tsunami victims with two fundraisers, according to the Atlantic Highlands Herald. Apparently the "gifted" kids thought it was a good idea to sell buttons with what looks like a tidal wave on it. I'm certainly no cop for the sensitive PC police but couldn't they have thought of a better button to sell? They are "gifted and talented" after all. This is like raising money for cancer by selling buttons with a picture of a tumor on it.

Jack Archibald takes the "Donoughue Administration" (his favorite phrase) to task for micro-managing Borough Hall and driving away talented town employees. There's also something about turmoil, again.

Councilman Carl Nolan takes the gloves off and responds to Archibald's claims of turmoil in a letter to the AH Herald:

The current openings in Borough Hall are a challenge, but all it really means is that the Mayor and the Personnel Committee - Councilwoman Ladiana, Councilman Fligor and myself - have to work even harder to rebuild the staff. But be sure that it will be twenty times more work than Councilman Archibald has put out for the Borough in the past couple of years.

Anyone want to bet Archibald retaliates in his next column? Stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel. Same bat gripes week in and week out.

"I cannot think of anything untoward or even toward that I did in Atlantic Highlands. Maybe I could get elected or appointed to something there. Town wise guy, maybe?" George Severini confesses to past crimes in the Two River Times.

Start your weekend with some fun:

• 24% of players picked U2 as the best band in the world. You can play too.
• DISCARDED TITLES FOR GEORGE ORWELL'S 1984: O, Brother, Where Art Thou? Oh Right, Everywhere. See the entire list, and others, at McSweeney's.
• Talk about irony. Norwegians interpret Bush's "hook 'em horns" salute to the Univ. of Texas Longhorns as a satanic gesture.
• Mmmmmmm.....beer

New content areas coming soon. Interviews, reviews and recipes - oh my!

Things you can do to help the Muse:

• send feedback
• post comments
• cook your favorite dish and invite me over to taste and review it
• mix your favorite cocktail and invite me over to taste and review it
• mix another one
• send in reviews of movies and books
• spread the word
• maybe just one more
• return my John Denver CD

Happy shoveling!

Flask Weather

As if you didn't know, it's freaking cold out! The high today is 20 degrees - indoors! Here's the forecast for the week. Looks like snow on Wednesday and even colder temperatures later in the week. As one commuter put it this morning, "it's flask weather."

The Atlantic Highlands Elementary School will be raising money for the tsunami relief efforts. I don't have the details yet, but it looks like students will be selling buttons for $1. Check back later this week for updates.

Stress got you up late at night? Fall asleep fast, read public notices!

Voodoo clams? Sounds, uh, yummy? Almost as good as voodoo liver or my pagan aunt's voodoo stew. Check out Lynn Azzolina's seven-course dinner ad review from Gaiter's.

"Freedom of speech must be based on facts - not fiction or some cockamamie theory." The Bishop is ranting again - this time on "eco-maniacs." On this trip inside the head of New Jersey's first Journalist of the Year we fly from the First Ammendmant to Michael Crichton to liberals/socialists trying to transform America into a Marxist state. There's even room for Michael Moore. Keep your hands and feet inside at all times - it's a bumpy ride.

I just came across the website for Atlantic Artisans. Go buy some art you knucklehead.

Friday I'm In Love

The weathermen got it right. The mild temperatures held through to this morning and then I literally felt the temperature drop 10 degrees on the commute in (and it continued dropping throughout the day). Nasty nasty rain on the high seas today. But it is Friday.

So, shall we see what's shaking in the AH Herald...

Bishop Gordon takes us on a stream of consciousness ride with his tirade on the New York Times and its position on the Jets' West Side stadium. How in the world did he win "Journalist of the Year" and become a "national award-winning author" with writing like this:

...Herbert’s column on November 15 blasted the $1.4 billion proposed stadium backed by New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg and New York Governor George Pataki.

Why?

Because The Times doesn’t want it.

Herbert, the paper’s “token” black OP-ED columnist, prefers that any public funds for the stadium be spent instead for toilet paper and gymnasiums, athletic fields and playgrounds for the city’s impoverished public schools.

I guess Herbert forgot about the infamous $6 billion Westway project I investigated in the mid-1980s, a project so massive it would have filled up almost half of the lower Hudson River for four miles.

What? (Bob) Herbert writes he's not in favor of the stadium + Herbert believes that tax payer money should go toward better funding for NYC's public schools rather than a stadium for the Jets = Herbert forgetting something the Bishop investigated 20 years ago that is completely unrelated. Huh? I suppose Herbert did forget. All he was saying was that the money was better spent on playgrounds for kids in the city and not on a stadium for the Jets. I've no idea what the Bishop is talking about.

Paul Boyd praises the restoration work being done on the building at 33 First Avenue, across from the TGI Friday's Harborside Grill. I agree, the building is going to look great. Can anyone tell me what's moving in? I'm assuming a restaurant. I'm hoping a steakhouse. I think a nice steakhouse would draw a lot of business from the area as I don't know of any really good ones nearby. Note to Atlantic Highlands restaurateurs - if you build it they will come. Something like Uncle Jack's would be perfect.

Me thinks the AH Democrats should start their own online newspaper lest they continue getting slammed by Allan Dean and Jack "the Psychic" Archibald. Dean reports on the "rash of resignations" at Borough Hall and Archibald writes how the Dems "botched the backroom deal." Maybe the Dems are attempting to stay above the fray but it'd be nice to hear from them every once in a while.

Sister Catherine Iacouzze, a 69-year-old nun at St. Cecelia’s Parochial School in Iselin, was charged with harassment for saying to one of her (misbehaving) students, 'With an attitude like this, you’re lucky you have all your teeth.' The boy's father eventually dropped the charges at Woodbridge Municipal Court and Sister Iacouzze promptly rapped him five times on the knuckles with a ruler. I wonder how many Hail Mary's one's given after Confession for bringing a nun to court on harassment charges?

Some fun content:

• Great Adventure will open next spring with a new addition, Kingda Ka, the world's tallest and fastest roller coaster.
• New Fox show set in Point Pleasant premiers January 19th at 9:00 (channel 5).
• Students of SNL preview this weekend's show with Topher Grace and The Killers.
• The New Yorker reviews The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou.
• Steve eats/drinks things that you and I wouldn't. Like a box of cereal from 1991, Ralph's Potted Meat Food Product and his wife's breast milk, with Hershey's chocolate syrup. Then he writes about it and you and I laugh. Check out Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 1

We should all reacquaint ourselves with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech I Have a Dream delivered August 28, 1963.

Spring Break in January

February may not be the nicest time to take the ferry into New York for a stroll through Central Park, but The Gates installation by Christo and Jeanne-Claude should be a pretty fascinating sight. I suppose the rather bleak backdrop of Central Park's bare winter trees against the billowing bright orange fabric means something or will just provide some cool visuals to suburban teenagers on acid. Gothamist reports that work has started on the installation of the 23-mile-long project set to open on 2/12. (Did anyone catch them alliterations?)



The Nets' Richard Jefferson is most likely out for the season with a ruptured ligament in his left wrist. Even if the Nets manage to make the playoffs it looks like their hopes for an NBA Championship are on hold until next season. With no NHL this season, the Nets doomed and spring training over a month away, New Jersey sports fans should turn their attention to the Rutgers women's basketball team. After upsetting three nationally ranked teams over an eight-day stretch Rutgers moved up to number 4 in the AP Poll. Last night they continued their six game winning streak with a victory over Pitt.

It looks like doctors' offices and pharmacies will continue to stay busy as the local weather continues its roller coaster ride this winter. The National Weather Service website shows a high of 62 degrees on Thursday then a low of 25 degrees on Friday. That's just stupid.

Tonight is the International Children's Art Exhibition at the elementary school. Click here for more info (last item).

From the New York Daily News:

Wall Street will be watching the New Jersey governor's race carefully this year. Should Sen. Jon Corzine win, it could lead to a 2008 bid for the White House. (Bill Clinton and President Bush were both governors before becoming President.) "He'd gain executive experience, he knows the legislature, he's a Democrat." Best of all, says our Street source, the former co-chairman of Goldman Sachs "is pro-business. What's not to like?" ...

Interesting, no? A bearded president? Not since Benjamin Harrison in 1893.

I hope this test isn't as hard as Bishop Gordon's:

From: "AHHerald Forums"
To: Tim Hill
Subject: Welcome to AHHerald Forums
Date: Wed, 12 Jan 2005 21:16:36 +0000

Welcome, ahmuse!

Your username is: ahmuse, and your password is XXXXXXX

Your account must first be approved before you may use your account. You will receive another email shortly informing you of the admin's decision.

Regards,
The AHHerald Forums Team.

30 minutes later...still no word on the admin's decision. I didn't know a background check was required to read/post comments on the town forum. I feel like a total failure.

Oh, btw, we stopped looking for WMDs. Last month. News to me (and everyone else).

Atlantic Highlands Muse Updates

You can receive an email every time The Atlantic Highlands Muse is updated. Please email me at hill_timothy@hotmail.com to sign up.

Beer and Wine

A search for Atlantic Highlands on ebay yielded some interesting results, including the above postcard (there are quite a few vintage postcards up for auction) as well as a 1929 $5 bill from the Atlantic Highlands National Bank.

Will the hottest new FOX show next season be the The OC, NJ?

Yesterday I cited an article in the Asbury Park Press about oceanic windmills along the Jersey Shore. This was all news to me but apparently the issue has been around for a while. Here's an archive of articles from the Press.

35% of New Jersey residents are "unfamiliar" with acting Governor Codey. These folks would fail miserably on item 4 of Gordon Bishop's "are you eligible to vote test." FYI, 2 - 3 million people (around the world) are familiar with Bishop Gordon, uh, I mean Gordon Bishop.

Only the Sons of Ireland would get drunk enough to go for a swim in Seabright on New Year's Day. I can say that because I'm half Irish. And approaching half drunk right now. Wait, wait, gulp gulp. Aaaaah, 50-50. There was also fund-raising involved for good stuff.

Speaking of good stuff, and more drinking. Julie Page is hosting a food and wine tasting at The Ocean Club. Details:

Date: Sunday, March 6th
Time: 5:00 pm
Price: $60/person
What: 4-5 sumptuous courses, selected wines, and an opportunity to meet with our fellow front porchers and friends.
RSVP: Email Julie by February 18th

Pirates of the Raritan

Thanks to Elise Farnsworth for forwarding the email that SeaStreak sent commuters on 12/20/04 regarding the new fares that became effective 12/21/04.

From: "Contact,Seastreak" <contact@seastreak.com>
Date: Monday December 20, 2004 04:22 PM
Subject: SeaStreak Update
Effective Tuesday, December 21, SeaStreak will no longer be selling 120 tripbooks. Passengers currently holding 120 trip books will be able to utilize these tickets until the expiration date. As well, SeaStreak will no longer be accepting checks at any of our ticketsales locations. Please note that SeaStreak accepts American Express, Visa, MasterCard, Discover and Debit cards...

The email then goes on to explain announce the new fares.
[Related item: Scandals Scandals Everywhere - 3rd item]

There were a couple of interesting articles in the New Jersey section of the New York Times yesterday. Peter King, a Montclair resident who writes for Sports Illustrated, sums up the NFL and other sports news on his Monday Morning Quarterback blog. The Times also had an article about how Maplewood, NJ is struggling to balance the retail to service ratio of businesses in its quaint village. The article sites that Maplewood has a population of 23,000 and three nail salons (the town thinks that's too many). We have a population of 5,000 and we have three nail salons! Perhaps we should change our town slogan from "The Jewel of the Bayshore" to "Atlantic Highlands, Our Women and Metrosexuals have the Best Kept Nails in Monmouth County." Unfortunately the Times does not post the Sunday New Jersey section online so I can't link to the story. All joking aside, our village keeps improving and we've seen some interesting businesses move in, but the article does raise some issues that we should consider as we continue to add charm to our village.

Like no more nail salons.
[Related item: New Year's Resolutions - #2]

The Asbury Park Press reported today that a company named Atlantic Renewable Energy Corp. of Richmond, Va. (recently purchased by PPM Energy) is studying the viability of building oceanic windmills along the Jersey shore as means of generating power. Acting Governor Codey has created a "blue-ribbon" panel to review and make policy recommendations on the issue. Looks like the camps that'll duke this one out are coastal conservationists and commercial fisherman vs. those in favor of developing alternate energy strategies for the region - including Lester Starnes, an Atlantic Highlands marine-business owner who said "critics have to have their head totally buried somewhere. It's just the most viable thing that we need." I'm sure my existing energy provider, First Energy, will weigh in on the matter eventually as well. The interesting twist is that the windmills would need to be built in federal waters, not state waters, which could potentially limit New Jersey's ability to stop, or controll these initiatives.

Like sands through the hourglass, these are the days of our lives.

Comcast will be rolling out Internet phone service (VOIP - voice over Internet protocol) over the next couple of years starting with 20 markets this year. As one has come to expect, Comcast is going to charge too much for this service - $39.95/month. I currently use Vonage (based in Edison, NJ) over my Comcast Internet connection and it costs $25/month for unlimited local and long-distance. In fact, Vonage has lowered its price twice since I signed up almost six months ago.

It's only Monday but here's something to look forward to: Topher Grace hosts SNL this week with musical guest The Killers.

Thanks to everybody who wrote me over the past few days with suggestions, encouragement and feedback. I encourage people to post comments (click on the comment link at the end of a posting) if you have anything you want to add or share with other readers.

Weekend Do's and Don't

Thing Not To Do This Weekend: show up at Hartshorne Park before 9:15 am. Laura Kirkpatrick, Public Information Officer for the Monmouth County Park System, was quoted in the Two River Times saying, "the public may encounter (deer) hunters exiting the park." Look out for the protestors too, Jeff Levine of Long Branch, who was protesting at the park on Tuesday said, "it's the people that are over-populated." Is that, like, a threat?

Thing To Do This Weekend: Dance, bowl, drink and get groovy (not necessary in that order) to the pop/punk/hip-hop music flavored dish that is DJ Hotdog at Asbury Park Lanes.


Some fun stuff from the past week:

• Dave Eggers talks about the stage adaptation of Monty Python's Holy Grail.
• My expenditures this fiscal year are of such magnitude they are best expressed as a metaphor involving a corpulent female. "Gentrification of Popular Rap Lyrics."
• The Einstein Flip [via Kottke.org]
• 867-530 nine-ah-nine [via The Morning News]

Scandals Scandals Everywhere

First, let's start off with a PSA. If you haven't donated anything to the tsunami relief effort Goin' Once can help and you don't even need to reach into your wallet. I'm sure everyone has a few items around the house that could be auctioned on ebay and Goin' Once will donate the net proceeds to one of the charity organizations below. Nice gesture by a new merchant in town. Try to support them.




Apparently, a scandal has been brewing at Borough Hall. Jack Archibald - aka Town Psychic (last item) - is accusing Councilman Carl Nolan of an ethics violation because as the democratic party treasurer "he" accepted a $4,800 campaign contribution from Seastreak. Now that Nolan has been re-appointed to the Harbor Commission Archibald thinks something smells fishy - "Is the Atlantic Highlands Harbor Commission For Sale?" Archibald suggests that Nolan should have resigned himself from the Harbor Commission because Seastreak is the harbor's largest tenant. I think maybe Archibald is trying to make a mountain out of a molehill here. The real scandal at the harbor is that I have to freeze my $%* off walking down the pier in rain, sleet, snow and wind when the folks in Highlands have a nice, cozy, heated pier with a fancy barge to stay warm in when the freaking boat is late.

Perhaps even more scandalous is the email Seastreak sent to riders a couple of weeks ago announcing fare increases. It must have been written by a bean counter and not someone who has to deal with customers on the phone or in person (I deleted my copy, if anyone still has it please forward it to me here). Worst is they didn't even allow people time to purchase a last book before the fares increased and they eliminated the 120-trip book (and savings) altogether. Seastreak has never been known for its customer service but this is a new low. Except the time they threw me overboard for getting drunk and challenging the captain to a duel until death doth take one of us matey. They're very touchy about the pirate thing. But still that was pretty mean. Anyway, Anne Smolenski Boiko sums up the new fare structure, comparing Seastreak and the nearly bankrupt New York Waterway ferry in Belford.
[Related items: New parking lot for Belford ferry first item and NJ Transit to operate Belford ferry? fourth item]

And another scandal! The New Jersey Department of Environmental Protection shut down the dredging of our harbor due to "numerous violations." Joe Reynolds digs deeper here.

AH Republicans - or at least the Republican council members (and one online newspaper publisher) - are up in arms over the January 1 town appointments.

The nationally ranked number 14 Scarlet Knights of Rutgers beat No. 1 LSU in overtime last night. Rutgers has also beaten Texas and Tennessee, two perennial powerhouses in women's college basketball. Look for Rutgers to move up in the polls and become a Final Four contender in March.

Let's end on a nice note too. [via Atlantic Highlands Herald]

1987 Redux

The Night has posted its top 90 albums of 2004 for thirtysomething white people. I think the list is good, albeit a bit nostalgic for the eighties. It includes Elvis Costello, Morrissey, The Cure, REM, U2, They Might Be Giants, Paul Westerburg, Camper Van Beethoven!, Robyn Hitchcock, Hothouse Flowers and Sonic Youth. Did I fall asleep on the couch and somehow wake up 20 years ago watching 12o Minutes? I just wish I'd hear some of these artists/albums when I tune into 90.5. The number one album really should be Whiny And Repetitive Acoustic Rock by Melodramatic Singer. I don't have anything against acoustic rock - I dug The Night's obsession with Dashboard Confessional last year - but it's getting to the point where sometimes I don't even bother tuning in. Unless I'm jonesing for Elvis Costello. That's The Night - acoustic whining, Elvis Costello and the Bluegrass Jam. Ya gots to mix it up people!

In case you didn't know, Jon Stewart will be at the Count Basie Theatre on January 29th. I'll be sippin' whiskey and playing Texas Hold 'Em but you should definitely go. Some other funnymen will be performing at Count Basie as well - Lewis Black on 2/27 and David Sedaris on 4/1.

For all the single ladies of Atlantic Highlands. Are you a "Nice/crazy/chill Girl That of Coarse Looks Good?" Then have I got the man for you.

Garrett - Male - 20 years old
Got problems like everyone, but plenty of things going my way. Good kids do bad things sometimes. Like trips when I have time. T. V. Is always relaxing, but I'm no couch potato. Active in bed. Sometimes I'm viewed as a bad guy, but I consider myself a real nice guy that does some bad things. I have a business e-mail, but use my old personel:.

Isn't the Internets great? Type in "Atlantic Highlands" and Google instantly gives you 922,000 links, including the above personal ad. It can even help you make bail!

The Independent is also reporting on Atlantic Highlands Herald columnist Amy Shore's newly adopted baby girl and book deal.

Potpourri

The Asbury Park Press reported today that the Board of Freeholders awarded Birdsall Engineering Inc. of Eatontown a contract worth $143,500 for the construction of a parking terminal at the Belford ferry. Funny, New York Waterway is going bankrupt and there won't be any cars parking at the Belford terminal shortly. Here's an article summing up the commuter ferry conspiracy situation in the Bayshore region.
[Related: NJ Transit to operate ferry? - fourth item]

It was winter. It wasn't important that it was winter; it was just a bit cold. The season doesn't affect this story in any way. There's no reason for it to be brought up since it's a tale about Jim and how he got a job, which was strange because he hadn't worked before and he didn't need money for anything. He never bought sweets from fancy shops or had an urge to own expensive pants, but one day Jim decided that he would work at the Splurge 'N Leave.

Ben Kharakh, a 17-year-old Middletown resident, has started a humor magazine online called One Trick Pony. The excerpt above is from the piece Jim Got a Job. [via the Independent]

Do you bathe yourself with "particles of toxic chemicals like lye and noxious byproducts like rendered animal fat?" You sick disgusting pig. Get yourself to Soapmarket in Red Bank and feel fabulous. Why can't our town be hip like Red Bank and have a fancy soap shop? Why can't we have obnoxious women (who shouldn't be) in Juicy Couture warm-ups window shopping in our town? And effete men in driving moccasins carrying their girlfriends' shih-tzus and lattes? Is it that we're just not hip enough and will be relegated to a lifetime of "washing" ourselves with rendered animal fat? I hope we have an organic soap shop in the town's master plan. I feel dirty.
[Related: Red Bank Becomes Red State]

If you're a Wes Anderson fan you may scratch your head after reading this article. [via Gawker]. If you're a Bottle Rocket fan you'll enjoy this reproduction of Dignan's Five Year Plan.

RED BANK BECOMES RED STATE!

Red State moral values crusaders have invaded Red Bank jeopardizing its reign as New Jersey's Hip City. A new town ordinance was approved 5-1 that controls the display of:

...any description, narrative account, display, depiction of a specified anatomical area or specified sexual activity containing in, or consisting of, a picture or other representation, publication, sound recording, live performance or film, which by means of posing, composition, format or animated sensual details, emits sensuality with sufficient impact to concentrate prurient interest in the area or activity.

The controversy started when a complaint was received that a store had some magazines with explicit material displayed in its window. Red Bank Councilman Pasquale Menna, the only person to vote against the ordinance, responded to this apparently way-unhip move by commenting, "other towns look to us to lead the way, and this ordinance makes us a laughing stock if we’re supposed to be a hip town." I don't know what to laugh at first. The ridiculous language of the ordinance? The fact that we "other towns" look to Red Bank to "lead the way"? Pardon the pun, but isn't this all a bit masturbatory?

My favorite part of the new ordinance is "emits sensuality with sufficient impact..." Could displaying Maxim qualify? Vogue? What about that sales girl in the Coco Pari window?

I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to cause "significant impact" but I know it when I feel it.